Home Page Openers
 

Home
Multi Media Jokes
Picture Jokes
Text Jokes
Search Hyde

An archive of the one-liners and openers that have appeared on the Hyde Home Page:

 

I'm drinking and driving cause it's actually safer than either Drinking or Driving. Last year 33,000 people died as a direct result of drinking. In the same year 24,000 people died whilst driving... Drinking and driving casualties last year 726!

Top of page.

I'd just like to thank the young lady who stopped and allowed me out of the side road this morning.
I'd like her to know...
I arrived at my destination several seconds earlier than I'd planned

Top of page.

Employee of the month...
...is a good example of how somebody can be...
both a winner and a loser at the same time.

Top of page.

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station.
Went along....
Turned out to be a bloody hoax.

Top of page.

You know I was thinking, following the announcement of Charles and Camilla's wedding...
What the difference was between this partnership and that of Diana and Dodi.
Then it struck me...
Diana & Dodi's relationship was just a crush.

Top of page.

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.
She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?"
I said,...
"All right, but we're not going to get much done."

Top of page.

I saw that show...
50 Things To Do Before You Die.
I'd have thought that the obvious one was...
"Shout For Help".

Top of page.

I realised I was dyslexic when...
I went to a toga party...
dressed as a goat.

Top of page.

Do you know...
When you stop believing in Santa
is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!

Top of page.

Is it fair to say...
that there'd be a lot less litter in Britain...
if blind people were given pointed sticks?

Top of page.

I just bought a microwave fireplace...
You can spend a whole evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

Top of page.

I bought an audio cleaning tape...
...I'm a big fan of theirs.

Top of page.

In a small business office they have an answering machine that instructs callers to leave their name and address, and to spell any difficult words.

Early one Monday the secretary was reviewing the weekend messages.

She heard an enthusiastic young woman recite her name and address and then confidently offer...

"My difficult word is reconciliation. R-E-C-O-N-C-I-L-I-A-T-I-O-N."

Top of page.

At first I thought my life was going around in circles.

Then I took a closer look and realised...

it's actually a downward spiral.

Top of page.

We English are not very spiritual people,
so we invented the NHS...
to give us some idea of eternity.

Top of page.

Reality is merely an illusion,
albeit a very persistent one.

Top of page.

Pruning rosebushes can be an ordeal if the thorns get a hold of you.
Save your fingers by using a clothes peg to hold the stem you are pruning...

...Or get a bloody Gardener!

Top of page.

When I was a kid,
I used to pray every night for a new bicycle.
Then I realised that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way.
So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me.

Top of page.

One of the computer techs was at my computer adjusting some settings
so I took the opportunity to ask him a question
"With all this stuff going around, how do I know if I have a virus?"
He kept working, but without missing a beat, he said,
"It will burn when you pee."
Above smile courtesy of Gary

Top of page.

Police arrested a 71 year-old woman for running an amphetamine lab from a retirement home.

The staff became suspicious...

...when several of the residents were seen staying up after 7:30 pm.

Top of page.

To my Valentine...
Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before.
But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter.
Wait, It's not love I'm thinking of...
...it's a monorail.

Top of page.

The optimist proclaims...
that we live in the best of all possible worlds.
and the pessimist...
fears this is true.

Top of page.

A Rental Car:
The only true all-terrain vehicle.

Top of page.

Q. Did you hear about the couple who made love in the plumbers position?
A. They stayed in all morning, but nobody came.

Top of page.

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying

but...

when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?

Top of page.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot,

...and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Top of page.

My Doctor has decided to give me some diet pills.

"How should I take these", I replied.

"Oh I don't want you to swallow them...

just drop them on the floor twice a day and pick them up one by one."

Top of page.

A mission statement is defined as...

"a long, awkward sentence...

that demonstrates management's inability to think clearly."

All good companies have one.

Top of page.

Electricity can be dangerous.

My daughter tried to stick a penny into a plug socket.

Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see her shoot across that floor.

I told her she was grounded.

Top of page.

Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year.

If you do the maths, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface.

This would explain the death of the dinosaurs...

...well the tallest ones, anyway.

Top of page.

My wife is at that stage

when her biological clock is telling her

it's time for her to be making me feel...

...guilty and immature.

Top of page.

Tip of the day...

If you really need to make yourself throw up

try sticking one finger down your throat and another up your ass at the same time.

If that doesn't work, try switching fingers!

Top of page.

In California, a speech teacher is in a lot of trouble for encouraging her students to oppose the war with Iraq.

The principal was furious...

...and said telling kids to oppose the war is the French teacher's job.

Top of page.

My wife and I are into S&M.

She snores...

while I masturbate.

Top of page.

The only exercise program that has ever worked for me is...

...occasionally getting up in the morning and jogging my memory

Top of page.

It has been determined...
...the most used sexual position for married couples...
...is the doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead...

Top of page.

You know folks, my mum once said something that really struck me.
She said, 'Son, you're a big disappointment',
and God bless her soul...
...she was really onto something.

Top of page.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you may know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
All of this made him...
...A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Top of page.

I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without
doing any productive work or contributing anything to society,
my reaction is:
How can I get in on that?

Top of page.

You know when you're sitting on a chair......and you lean back so you're just on two legs
then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself?
I feel like that all the time.

Top of page.

In telling me that his Aunt had died my friend mentioned the words she wanted on her headstone:

"Born a virgin. Lived as a virgin. Died a virgin."

Then the friend said how they'd gone on through the will to discover she died a pauper.

So to keep the bills down they decided on the following:

"Returned unopened."

Top of page.

Strange things happen when you're in debt.  Two weeks ago my car broke down and my phone got disconnected.
I was one electric bill away from being Amish.

Top of page.

They have an amazing proliferation of TV channels now:  The all-cartoon channel, the 24-hour-news channel.
Of course, to make room for these...
...they got rid of the Literacy Channel and the What's Left of Civilisation Channel.

Top of page.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it is yours.
If it doesn't, it was never meant to be.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realise that you've set it free...
...You either married it or gave birth to it.

Top of page.

Now there are more overweight people in Britain than average weight people.
So overweight people are now average.
Which means I've met my New Year's resolution!

Top of page.

At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench press.
What did he mean?
"Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts.
It's an accepted practice at health clubs...
...though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program.

Top of page.

I have a stepladder.

It's a very nice stepladder,...

...but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder.

Top of page.

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.

There's one called brightness...

...but it doesn't work.

Top of page.

In the beginning the world was without form, and void. God said "Let there be light." 

And God separated the light from the dark. 

And discovered he now had two loads of laundry.

Top of page.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.

Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.

Do not walk beside me, either.

In fact, just bug' off and leave me alone.

Top of page.

You can't go to a swimming pool and splash around anymore. 

Everyone's into lane swimming these days. 

Just the other day this guy jumps in behind me and says, "How long you gonna be using this lane, mate?" 

I replied, "Just until my bladders empty!"

Top of page.

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends.

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. 

People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. 

Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

Top of page.

When will I learn? 

The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on 

...daytime TV!

Top of page.

Britishness Test: 

Being British is driving a German car to an Irish pub to drink Belgian lager served by an Australian bar maid. 

Then home, on the way grabbing an Indian takeaway or a Turkish kebab to eat on Swedish furniture while watching American shows on Japanese televisions 

...and the most important thing about being British is suspicion of anything foreign.

Top of page.

Have you noticed... that nobody believes the official spokesperson, but everybody... ...trusts an unidentified source.

Top of page.

Hyde:  I'm always doing this.  An email update contained a "classic".

I managed to get the word "breaks" instead of "brakes".  So read on...

Eye halve a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marcs four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
It's rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My checker tolled me sew.

Top of page.

You'll never believe this.

If you play an AOL 7.0 CD backwards you can hear all kinds of evil and satanic messages!

But if you play it forward...

...It fucks up your PC!